Toxic Grandparent Uses CPM to Control Grandchild

Introduction

There has been an interest in studying family communication, particularly how toxic grandparents use communication privacy management theory (CPM) to exert control over adult children and grandchildren, as the family dynamic has shifted, considering more of the newer generations of people are coming up to break the cycles of generational trauma. Society views grandparents differently than they used to; once seen as an invaluable source of wisdom and helping hand to parents, it is replaced with negative connotations that grandparents are toxic by undermining the parents, which confuses the grandchild who aims to please the adults and not get in trouble. Not all grandparents are affectionate and gentle; some can be manipulative and cause conflict, leading to discomfort and family confrontations (What is a toxic grandparent and how does it influence family harmony? 2024). There is a lack of research on grandparents within various familial communication theories despite the increasing number of adult children cutting their children off from having relationships with their grandparents. This family issue often stems from communication challenges, and addressing these issues at their core could foster healthier family relationships between grandparents and grandchildren. As new generations of people come to break the cycles of generational trauma, it is intriguing to consider how marketers could use this information to create new marketing tactics to reach families with not-so-traditional dynamics, sparking a new avenue of research and application.

Personal Story

The research was sparked by the researcher's personal experience as the adult child of a toxic grandparent. The toxic grandparent used manipulation tactics, including sharing private information from the adult child's childhood with the grandchild. This caused the grandchild to turn against their parent, leading to deep depression, severe anxiety, and self-harm. The grandparent even provided the grandchild with information on how to self-harm, using the adult child's own struggles from childhood. The grandparent's goal was not only to undermine the adult child's parenting but also to involve the grandchild in the conflict between the adult child and the grandparent. This resulted in the grandchild being hospitalized three times. Although the adult child and grandchild still have a long road ahead, they have sought help and taken steps to distance themselves from the toxic grandparent.

Communication Privacy Management and Family Communication Patterns Theories

According to Miller-Day and Kam (2009), CPM can be used to protect or control as it is a complex concept within families, considering the communicators' relationships, family roles, and various situational factors. This study aims to gather evidence supporting the idea that toxic grandparents can employ CPM to control other family members. CPM theory is dependent upon a privacy boundary structure that illustrates where private information resides and how the information is regulated and adheres to a dialectical framework, as its main features are privacy ownership, privacy control, and privacy turbulence (Petronio, 2013). People tend to believe they own their private information and can control the flow of information to others, which stems from a need to protect their vulnerability; however, information shared with a family is collectively owned information, but there are linkages that can create boundary cells within the family. Family privacy dilemmas cause privacy boundary turbulence that challenges the unified family group state of privacy boundary coordination (Petronio et al. in Frey, 2003). Family communication patterns theory (FCP) is the inherently predictable way a family communicates through conversation or conformity orientation. Conversation orientation is a more positive open communication environment, whereas conformity orientation focuses more on obedience and shared family identity (SFI) (Miller-Day & Kam, 2009).

Grandparent-Grandchild Relationship

Gettings and McNallie (2021) created a study on how relational schemas define the grandparent's role through FCP, showing how parenting style affects the grandparent-grandchild relationship and giving the grandparent's perspective of their relational schemas. Grandparental role relationship type schemas are developed before people become grandparents. Seven identifiable relational maintenance behaviors positively influence grandparent-grandchild relationships that satisfy both parties (Gettings & McNallie, 2021). Another study conducted by McNallie and Gettings in 2022 explored the grandparent-grandchild relationship, proving that trust is the mediator in familial relationship maintenance and communication patterns through the FCP. Inherently, adult children are the gatekeepers for the grandparent-grandchild relationship. Therefore, grandparents must have a positive relationship with their adult children in order to have a relationship with their grandchildren. This research study proved that family conversation orientations foster trust in creating positive grandparent-grandchild relationships, whereas conformity orientations did not (McNallie & Gettings, 2022). In a research study done by Soliz and Harwood (2007), they proved that a positive general shared family identity (SFI) between a grandchild and a grandparent happens through parental encouragement and personal communication.

Toxic Family Dynamics

            Toxic relationships are defined as relationships that affect our ability to be healthy and function at our best while evoking negative emotions. Children do not have the sensibility to believe that their toxic adult family members are manipulating them as they aim to please the adults in their lives, causing the child to suffer. Toxic grandparents either view their grandchildren as a way to meet their own selfish needs but have little desire to take much of a role in their grandchildren’s lives or become so enmeshed that they try to take over parenting their grandchildren. At the same time, toxic grandparents have absolutely no issues with driving a wedge between their adult child and grandchild (Campbell, 2019). These toxic family dynamics cause familial conflicts and discomfort. This type of grandparent is able to use cunning communication to victimize themselves and disprove that any emotional abuse is taking place, as it is subjective and hard to prove. They have to maintain control and, as such, need their children and grandchildren to fit the mold they created, which can be a form of conformity orientation in FCP. When that child or grandchild refuses to do such, the grandparent becomes vengeful in manipulating others around them to get them to conform. They can urge disruption by telling grandchildren to disobey their parents, making parenting decisions without consent, and showing favoritism towards a grandchild over the other grandchildren (What is a toxic grandparent and how does it influence family harmony? 2024).

How Toxic Grandparents Use CPM to Control Adult Children and Grandchildren

            As stated previously, the concept of CPM is intricate in terms of family dynamics, considering the connections between communicators, the roles within the family, and the different situational elements (Miller-Day & Kam, 2009). Toxic grandparents like to feel they have control over others. Therefore, they are no strangers to using CPM to manipulate situations and people to meet their control needs. CPM in normal families deals with privacy boundaries that toxic, unempathetic family members have no use for when it comes to getting what they want at that moment, which seems like they are blind to consequences (Campbell, 2019). When ownership of private information is co-owned by a toxic grandparent, they can use it to exploit the vulnerabilities of an adult child or grandchild. Such can drive that wedge in the adult child-grandchild relationship, as stated in Campbell’s 2019 book, But it's Your Family ...: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath. This will ultimately create privacy boundary turbulence through privacy family dilemmas, causing conflict and friction among family members (Petronio et al., 2003). Normal families tend to have collectively agreed-upon privacy rules when keeping family secrets that everyone in the family group is expected to abide by. However, toxic families like to create or threaten breaches of private information because they like to have that sense of control over one another. This requires more of a conformity orientation rather than a conversation orientation, causing these families to be less inclined to share information or even express their thoughts and feelings and never create a sense of individual autonomy (Miller-Day & Kam, 2009).

Avoiding Toxic Grandparents

            There are many different ways to avoid toxic grandparents, such as going no contact. According to Campbell (2019), harsh realities need to be faced because some relationships are not meant to be ours, so loving them from afar gives them the correct, natural consequences that they may need to show them that their behaviors are unacceptable. The 2024 article “What is a toxic grandparent and how does it influence family harmony?” gives a list of recommendations for adult children to implement toward a toxic grandparent when interacting with their grandchild, such as explaining the grandparent's functions and role, avoiding talking about the past, express to them that the emotions that they evoke are not adequate for the grandchild, avoid discrediting, and supervise the grandparent-grandchild visits and relationship. These recommendations can hopefully teach the toxic grandparents how to communicate appropriately with their grandchildren instead of exploiting their grandchildren for their own emotional needs, creating family friction and conflict. There needs to be solid boundaries for the grandparents to abide by so as not to undermine the parents or use CPM to cause a wedge in the relationship between the adult child and grandchild.

References

Campbell, S. (2019). But it's your family ...: Cutting ties with toxic family members and loving yourself in the aftermath. Morgan James Publishing.

Gettings, P. E., & McNallie, J. (2021). Examining grandparents’ perceptions of expectations and family communication patterns in the development of grandparent-grandchild relationships. Journal of Family Communication, 21(4), 287–305. DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2021.1976183

McNallie, J., & Gettings, P. E. (2022). Trust as a mediator between family communication patterns and relational maintenance in grandparent-adult child-grandchild relationships. Communication Quarterly, 70(3), 227–249. DOI: 10.1080/01463373.2022.2036214

Miller-Day, M., & Kam, J. (2009). Children, parents, and grandparents. In 21st Century Communication: A Reference Handbook (Vol. 2, pp. 303-312). SAGE Publications, Inc., DOI: 10.4135/9781412964005

Petronio, S. (2013). Brief Status Report on Communication Privacy Management Theory. Journal of Family Communication, 13(1), 6–14. DOI: 10.1080/15267431.2013.743426

Petronio, S., Jones, S., Morr, M.C. in Frey. (2003). Group communication in context : Studies of bona fide groups: Vol. 2nd ed. 23-55. Psychology Press.

Soliz, J., & Harwood, J. (2007). Shared family identity, age salience, and intergroup contact: Investigation of the grandparent-grandchild, relationship1. Communication Monographs, 73(1), 87–107. DOI: 10.1080/03637750500534388

What is a toxic grandparent and how does it influence family harmony? (2024, Feb 26). CE Noticias Financieras Retrieved from https://ezproxy.library.astate.edu/login?qurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.proquest.com%2Fwire-feeds%2Fwhat-is-toxic-grandparent-how-does-influence%2Fdocview%2F2932348877%2Fse-2%3Faccountid%3D8363